The last few weeks of the year can often bring about a big ol' dose of reflection.

What do I want to absolutely leave behind from the previous year? What do I want to focus on in the new year? Self-care, reprioritization, new business goals, weight loss or getting in shape or trying something new. What were the best things that came out of the prior year? What day is it?

This Sunday marks one full year since I first got sick with Covid and if you've been following me on any of my socials, you'll know it's been a long, hard, ridiculous, frustrating journey.

But this Sunday also feels like my "new year". December 19th, 2020 to December 19th, 2021.

It feels like a lifetime and a blink and I'm nowhere near the person I was in the Before Times.

Are any of us, really?

The last few weeks have been weird and anxiety-inducing for me as this milestone comes up. Like maybe I just assumed that after ONE WHOLE YEAR, I'd be fully recovered. Like it can't last that long, right?

But it's also got my brain doing a lot of reflecting.

Is this just who I am now? If that's the case, it feels important to understand this new version of myself.

I hope you'll indulge me as I process this out. I know that my change has been dramatic and I can easily point to the catalyst for how I got here, but I know that all of us have been through a lot. Everything seems to have changed -- from the way we work, the way we relate to our neighbors, the things that feel important now (or that were important and now seem so minor).

I've turned into a person who cares about politics and the news. I always thought all of it was too far off and didn't impact me and it's too much to learn so where would I even start so I won't start at all pour me another glass.

I just thought other smarter, more informed people would pay attention and make the right choices for me. And whew, was this a privileged take.

It wasn't until we entered into a global freaking pandemic that I was forced to see the hard truth. That politics affects EVERYONE. It affects our schools, our neighborhoods, how we get to move about our days.

This also made me see -- the fact that I couldn't see how any of it affected me before meant that my life had always been fairly easy. Not easy in that nothing bad ever happened, but easy in that my skin color or socioeconomic status or family structure had never been an obstacle that I had to think too hard about.

I will give myself some grace, because I know part of the reason I have the space to think about these things now is that my kids are older and more independent. When my kids were babies and toddlers, I could barely keep my head screwed on straight, let alone teach myself the branches of government.

But now that I've dipped my toes in the water, I can't un-see a darn thing and it just makes me want to learn more and more and more.

What else?

I used to be someone who couldn't say no to ANYTHING. Any party, any gathering, any vacation, any concert. My husband loved this very much. #sarcasm

After a lot of therapy and extreme fatigue after getting sick, I've said no to just about everything. It's been life-changing.

Having the space to see myself differently and reimagine who Melody is and wants to be, I've found that saying yes to only the things that light my soul on fire is WORTH IT.

In that vein, I've had to prioritize myself. I just literally don't have the energy to do everything, even if I wanted to. The energy I do have goes towards my work, my family, my SELF. I truly never understood that I didn't HAVE to do it all. I hope this one sticks.

I've turned into a ridiculous dog person.

I've turned into someone who will let her husband actually do things for her, because she understands that she just can't. And that it doesn't necessarily define her worth and value if someone else goes to the grocery store.

I've found grace and nuance and a constantly unfolding sense of being a Person Who Doesn't Know Everything. A person who prioritizes curiosity instead of certainty. Even when it's harrrrrrrrrd and I DO NOT WANNA THANK YOU.

I've turned into someone who lights the candles instead of saving them. Who stops to stare at the sunrise every morning. Who tries to absorb a beautiful view through her eyeballs in a way that weirds out her family.

Who eats the chocolate because she just wants to.

Who just launches an email newsletter with a paperclip and a prayer because she is tired of waiting for JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT.

As we continue to hope for a return to "normal", I can't help thinking about the 800,000 folks that we have lost in this country and the 800,000 families who are missing someone at the dinner table tonight.

I don't want to forget them and I don't want to forget what I've gone through and what you've gone through, because it all matters.

I remember you.

Until next Friday.

Melody

P.S. This podcast from Kelly Corrigan Wonders on why connection wins every time is quite literally one of the best things I've listened to all year. Just in case you need a little light in your day.